Bend for Home, The Page 17

  God, she said, you’re boiling.

  Yes.

  God, she said.

  Ah.

  Oh. Is this the right way?

  Yes.

  You won’t think bad of me afterwards?

  No, I said.

  I’m very fond of you, she said.

  And I’m fond of you.

  Is that nice?

  Yes.

  Very nice?

  Yes.

  Oh, she said. Oh.

  Oh, I said.

  Oh dear, she said.

  24 Fri. Our Lady of the Wayside.

  Jesus, cannot walk today. Felt ojus bad. Could not hit a ball in the alley. Ellen tried to fix a date for tonight but I didn’t go.

  What happened you, said Maisie, you’re in early? Did they all go off and leave you?

  Then at 11 the doorbell rang.

  I’ll get that, I said.

  No you’ll not, said my mother.

  She came back in and said there was no one there. When I was going to bed I found a letter under the front door.

  What happened you? it said. Are you sorry about last night? Love. Ellen.

  25 Sat.

  Asked Ellen to come up to the loft. She stood a moment in the dark entry.

  Come on, I whispered.

  What’s up there?

  A mattress.

  A mattress?

  A mattress, I said, and a bottle of cider.

  She took a few steps up the yard and stopped.

  It’s very dark, she said.

  There’s candles up there.

  It’s not right.

  You’ll like it.

  I don’t know.

  C’mon, I said.

  No, she said, backing away.

  Why?

  Because I’m scared.

  But you weren’t scared the other night.

  I knew you’d say that, she said. That was different.

  How was it different?

  That was then. This is now.

  All right, I said.

  Now you’re thick.

  No, I’m not, I said.

  You think I’m not good enough for you.

  That’s not true.

  Well, I couldn’t go up there, she said.

  That’s all right, I said, because I don’t want to go up there either.

  You don’t? she said.

  No.

  We stepped onto the street.

  Will I see you again? she asked.

  Sure you will.

  You don’t mean it.

  Yes, I do.

  No, she said, you don’t. I can tell.

  I left her to the door of the shop.

  Goodbye, I said.

  Goodbye, she said, you yoke you.

  26 Sun. Sunday after the Ascension.

  Went with Noel to Castleblaney to see match between Cavan and Down. Very good.

  27 Mon.

  Day of revision.

  On the way to bed at 12 looked out window of the sitting room and could have sworn I saw Ellen standing under a streetlight at Con Smith’s. But when I went to the front door there was no one.

  28 Tues.

  The exams have started. Done arithmetic and Irish. Got caught with a note in Arith by Father Hurley. Passed both exams. Came home and revised.

  29 Wed.

  Done English. Had date with Ellen but didn’t go. A note arrived from Ellen under the door. See you at King of Kings, it said.

  30 Thur.

  I gathered timber and lit a fire in the Pleasure House, a small lodge on the edge of Killykeen Lake, and threw my arms around her.

  No, Ellen said.

  Ah please.

  No.

  Why?

  I want you to respect me.

  Oh but I do.

  You do in your gob.

  Honestly I do.

  I’ve heard that before.

  But I mean it.

  Stop that.

  I can’t.

  You wouldn’t do it to the Loreto girls.

  What does that mean?

  You know.

  Ah, Ellen.

  I know all about you, she said. Now stop or I’m going.

  All right.

  Just lie there, can’t you.

  I’m trying.

  Try harder.

  One minute you’re mad for it, the next you’re not.

  That’s the way it is, she said, with us ladies. Next thing I knew the mother was calling me for school.

  31 Fri. The Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

  Done Algebra, History and Latin. Honours in Latin, pass in History. Don’t know about Algebra. Up to the Alley!

  Afterwards met Andy.

  You’re looking for trouble, he said.

  What do you mean?

  Sheila’s brother is after you.

  For what?

  There’s rumours going round, he said.

  JUNE

  1 Sat. Vigil of Pentecost. (Fast without Abstinence)

  Got the holidays. I blew a round in the Ulster Arms and slipped away on the qt to meet Ellen, who had her father’s car again.

  Where will we go?

  Once it’s some place out of town, she said.

  I have a friend in Lisdarn, I say. So we drove out to the hospital and I knocked on the black doctor’s door. He was delighted to see me.

  I have a woman in the car, I say.

  But bring her in, he says.

  He took Ellen’s hand and bowed.

  We sat on his small bed and he sat in an armchair. He opened a bottle of gin and poured it into mugs. We drank it with water and it didn’t taste like it did with tonic, but Ellen got awful giddy all the same and threw her arm round the doctor.

  Isn’t Dermot a funny wee cunt, she said.

  He lit a large cigar and showed us a photograph of his parents and the house he grew up in. She took the album from him and studied it. She wanted to know everything. Who this was. Who that was. His sisters, his brothers, his aunts. Then she wanted to hear all about operations. He wanted to bring us for a drink in town but I said that might mean trouble. So we drove to the Park Hotel in Virginia. There was a wedding on and the guests made us join them. The black doctor was all the rage. They were all over him. The drinks flew. He danced sedately with Ellen and I danced the bride, who was from Crosserlough.

  Her new husband was from up Denn, she said. She stuck her groin tight against mine and said she was for Majorca in the morning on her honeymoon.

  This is an excuse me dance, said Ellen, and she stepped between us. So I danced her and the doctor danced the bride.

  She drove me home at 4 in the morning and taught me to French-kiss in Main Street.

  I could see the shape of my mother through the glass in the front door. I let myself in.

  Do you know what time it is? she shouted.

  I was at a wedding.

  You were seen, she says, with tramps. Tramps! she repeated.

  3 Mon. Whit Monday.

  Painted all day in shop. Go up to Swellan lake. Lovely day. Rose was there. Great fun.

  4 Tues.

  Painted gate.

  5 Wed. Ember Day. (Fast and abstinence)

  Painted outside of house. Got terrible rubs from the house painters like Tom Dale and Dinny Brennan. Look at the gimp of him, said Dinny. Then walked Sheila down by the riverside.

  7 Fri. (First Friday) Ember Day.

  Fixed the seat in the garden that Daddy made and gave it a coat of blue.

  8 Sat. Ember Day. (Fast without abstinence)

  Tramps, said Mammy when I came home. Nothing but tramps and your father hardly in his grave! One day you’ll be sorry and by then it’ll be too late.

  9 Sun.

  Brought Sheila and her friends from Balihaise out in the boat. I was rowing. We landed at Death’s Point.

  I don’t like it here, said Sheila. I think something bad is going to happen.

  10 Mon.

  I asked my mother for 4/- to go to see Ollie in
Virginia. She opened the till and scattered the money on the floor of the shop.

  Go where you like, she said.

  I thumbed to Virginia. Walked round the lake and had a lovely tea in Heary’s who long ago knew my Aunt Jane. Then I walked out to Ollie’s house. He lives on the side of a small mountain in a farm. There’s two women there and his father. His people are nice. Myself and Ollie headed to the American Bar for a coupl’a bottles of stout and walked home the 4 mile at 1 o’clock. His mother was by the fire. She fried us up a feed. She asked me all about college, told me how Ollie was the first of hers to get the chance of an education. I felt bad knowing that soon she’d find out that Ollie would not be going back to St Pat’s. The rafters groaned during the night and I heard this voice talking, maybe in my sleep, maybe in the real world, talking of some place foreign, whether Joe White was still there, was he now? I haven’t heard from him in ages, thanks awfully but no, no thank you, no thank you all the same, then came names and ailments, scourges sent from heaven, rats and asses and carts and the blight, where was the bucket, where was the cursed bucket, God in his heaven where is the bucket gone? what’s to be done? tap water and spring water that’s what, the gutters, the eaves, the calf in the back field, the eel, the cat has a bird in his mouth, the scutter, when I hit him both eyes flew out of his head – it was dreadful out, I’ve told you all you need to know, who’s that at the door? there was never anyone like Michael, never again Sadie, no more Sadie, no more Joe White, only the same crowd day in day out, then someone called out and the voice went silent.

  11 Tues. St Barnabas, Apostle.

  Started thumbing to Oldcastle but couldn’t get a lift. Sat in a ditch and smoked my last fag. I was thinking of Kells, anywhere, even Navan, when Sonny Walsh came along and took me home to Cavan.

  Are you finished with your wandering? asked my mother.

  I went to see the Heary’s, I said.

  You did not.

  I did.

  Well there’s some good left in you yet, she said. And how are all their people?

  They’re very good.

  I’m glad to hear it.

  Then myself and herself and Maisie went off to the pictures to see Some Like It Hot. Aunt Maisie laughed herself sick and my mother thought Tony Curtis made a lovely girl.

  The thought of it, said Maisie. They’d want their marbles seen to.

  We sat by the fire and had tea. I told them all about the Ollie’s house and Virginia.

  You see, said my mother, how happy we can be when you stop at home.

  12 Wed.

  I rang the bell. Una’s boyfriend answered it. When he saw me he nearly fainted. I was covered in blood from a fight in Bridge Street when Sheila’s brother tackled me.

  Stay away from my sister, he said and he head-butted me. Then his friends, including Andy, lashed in.

  Sacred heart of Jesus, said my mother. What’s to become of us?

  What happened? asked Maisie.

  I got hit.

  Get the guards, Winnie, said Maisie.

  No, I said.

  I’d have them strung up, said Maisie and she struck her fist into her palm.

  What has you on the streets, the cursed streets, lamented Mammy.

  I sat in the kitchen and Una dressed my face. The new shirt was ripped. In bed I could only lie on one side.

  Are the bins out? asked my mother.

  Yes, I said.

  You’ll stay with me?

  I will.

  Good.

  13 Thur. Corpus Christi. Holiday of Obligation.

  I felt bad in the morning. I put on a pair of Una’s dark glasses and stood in front of the mirror in the dining room.

  You look a sight, said my mother. Where do you think you’re going?

  I’m going out.

  You’re not going out looking like that.

  I have to, I said.

  Stay where you are.

  No, I said.

  I went down to Hickey’s the dentist and even though it was a Holiday of Obligation he took a fitting for a new plate. Then he sent me across the road to the hospital for an X-ray. I was waiting for ages because everyone was at Mass.

  You took a bad hiding. What did you do to deserve this? asked the doctor.

  It was over a girl.

  That was a mistake, he said. Have you a headache?

  No.

  Anything else?

  My ear is ringing.

  I’m not surprised.

  Myself and Dermot stepped down Main Street. The Corpus Christi procession went by. Andy was at the corner of Bridge Street talking to Rose McNamara and Josephine Bravander.

  You were asking for it, he said, looking at me.

  When we turned into the Central Café there was a lot of sniggers from the crowd that was gathered there after Mass.

  Mama Mia, said Sean McManus.

  We sat at a table by the jukebox. Sheila’s brother and his friends kept pointing at me and laughing.

  What happened you? asked Lila Little.

  I was in a fight.

  You look a dread, she said.

  Then the door of the café opened and Sheila came in. The place went quiet. She looked round, saw me and, passing by her brother, came over and sat down.

  I heard what happened, she said, and I’m terribly sorry.

  Never mind, I said.

  It’s all my fault.

  No, it’s not.

  And they said if I ever spoke to you it would all happen again. Then she left the café in tears.

  15 Sat.

  Ellen said she was sorry about my face, and we broke it off. Had a vodka and a Carlsberg Special in the Ulster Arms. Jack Healy was a good man, said Frank Brady, I miss him. Andy broke the handle on the door of the toilet. I was looking for fight. Andy said they’d made him hit me. They told him I’d been saying bad things about him. So we made up. We stole bottles of McArdle’s and planked them in the Castle. Then we hid a bottle of sherry in the Cock Hill. I am drunk. We went across town and out the railway lines with a bottle of whiskey. I take none. There was some argument out there. And Andy said Castro was the man, he was sorely wanted here, they killed Connolly, but we’ll take the fucking six counties back tomorrow, won’t we, he said, the Black North has had its day, and he started to cry on my shoulder over the United Ireland.

  16 Sun. 2nd after Pentecost.

  Up to the alley first thing and served 10 aces on the trot. Drank the sherry before the pictures, passed by Sheila without a word and moved Emer.

  18 Tues.

  I sleep in till 12 because every night I listen to Music in the Night till 3 o’clock. I went to Hickey’s to get a fitting for my new teeth and Sheila met me and said she wasn’t afraid if I wasn’t afraid. So with Eamon Smith we cycled out to Lough Oughter. We brought biscuits and lemonade. He got one perch. The midges were going mad and the water was sleepy. Then we took a boat and oared out to O’Neill’s Island. We fished off the rocks, and cooked up in the castle. Ate big out there, and cycled back in and parted just outside town. She went on ahead and I followed her.

  21 Fri.

  I was on the road at ½ past 6 with £25 in my pocket. Got a lift with a vet who was going for a test in a Dublin hospital for suspected brucellosis. He dropped me off in O’Connell Street. Wish me luck, he said. I went looking for a suit. I had to keep from smiling in the shop so that they wouldn’t know I’d lost my teeth. I bought a grey suit in Kingston’s, a Burton outfit with tight trousers and wide lapels. I took the coat, they will send on the pants later. Had dinner in the Castle Hotel in Gardiner Street, and was on the road by 3. Off to Kells in the back of a Rank’s flour lorry, then a Yank who’d been a pilot in Korea took me as far as Cavan. I arrived in time for the pictures. Later I headed up to the loft, and sat there a while by myself, then I paraded before the mirror for my mother in the new coat.

  He has good taste, said Maisie. A surprising thing in a man.

  22 Sat.

  Slept late with huge dreams.
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  I buy a new pair of shoes, real pointy, with high heels.

  I take that back about taste, said Maisie.

  I wore the shoes and the new coat up Main Street. Met Sheila on the quiet outside town and we cycled out to Lough Oughter again but on the way there we took another road to the private lake which is owned by Lord Farnham. It was strange territory. There was a sign saying PRIVATE – KEEP OUT. A lane led across a small wooden bridge and on into miles of cobwebs. To the right a flooded place where there wasn’t a leaf but everything rotting and some sort of lice stripping the bark. At last we came out into an opening packed on all sides with rhododendrons. The lake was flat calm. The sky filled with oceans of birds. In a wooden boathouse was a lovely blue vessel ready for launching. It had long perfect oars and oarlocks. Behind the boathouse we found a circle of huge exotic trees, the likes I’d never seen before. The leaves were blue and red.

  With my first cast I took out a pike. Sheila had a fire going at the edge of the woods. I found two tin plates in the boathouse. We roasted the pike and lay down. I hung my coat on a branch and Sheila took off her bra.

  23 Sun. 3rd after Pentecost.

  We sat in their living room and listened to Pick of the Pops. Then, later, we went off to see Inn of the Sixth Happiness. Sheila surprises me in the dark, and I tell her I love her.

  26 Wed.

  Sheila is going to Dublin to see President Kennedy so I go off to Castleblaney, Ballybay and Clones with the Jewman, Harry Ross, who collects scrap and wool. He pays me 5/-a day. A few days a week Harry appears in the private dining room for his dinner of a boiled egg and brown bread. He has powerful glasses that look like the bottoms of stout bottles. His eyebrows are huge, dark and bushy.